Friday, March 4, 2011


Well.  The last time I posted something on this blog was June 19, 2010.  8 months ago.  At that time, I was attempting to write 800 words a day for 21 days, as part of a larger online group project from some website I heard about through another blog that I follow. 

I didn't get too far.  11 days and 10 posts later, I suddenly found out that I had nothing to write about, except for what was going on in my life...and I kind of didn't feel like sharing, lol.  My writing also felt very forced, like I was changing the way I write to accommodate...something.  So, I let it go, decided that wasn't what I wanted to be doing.

Fast forward 4 months and I decided that I did want to share what was going on in my life (foot surgery and recovery) but I didn't want to do it here.  I didn't like the set up of blogger and I didn't want everyone else to read what I had been writing here, mostly because I felt like it was very whiny (which makes sense, I was actually feeling very whiny).  I didn't want people to see that side of me...the one that feels depressed, hopeless and confused...a lot.  It's not very uplifting stuff to read about.  I wanted a "fresh start."  This new blog was going to be "public" as in I would actually tell the people that I knew about it.  And I was trying to be more optimistic.  This time felt better, it felt more...authentic.  It lasted a little longer. Roughly 2 months and 11 posts.  I felt better when I was writing there because I was actively trying NOT to be so pessimistic.

And then things in my life started going haywire.  Roommates fighting, housing situation suddenly incredibly unsettled, work situation all shook up.....I had a lot going on that I wanted to talk about but felt like I couldn't and didn't want to really share with people.  When things get really crazy in my life, that's when I tend to feel like I need to squirrel myself away so that I can...find a still point.  As though it feels hard to do that when there are so many people around.  I tend not to talk as much because I don't want to drag people down with the problems of my own life. 

So...that blog faded off too.

Skip ahead 3 more months and my life is very different.  My foot is almost completely recovered from the first surgery of my life.  The recovery was quick and pretty painless and uneventful.  I have 3 other nagging injuries that seem pretty resistant to healing, but that's a whole other story for another time.  Right now, I'll just say that I'm working with them.  I'm on my third set of roommates; I have now lived with a total of 5 girls and 2 dogs in just 6 months.  It has made for a very interesting first living-with-roommates experience and I kind of don't want to live people anymore.  I've made a couple of good friends, but I miss having my own space and not having all my "home responsibilities" spread out.  Again...another story for another time, when/if it comes up again.

But, most importantly, I have a new job.  After nearly 4 1/2 years, the last 2 of which I have truly despised the place I worked at and the work that I was doing.  There were many days when I literally stood at the door leading outside my apartment building, stared at the door with tears in my eyes, thinking to myself, "I can't do this anymore."  I'd been saying that almost everyday for the last year, but found I could never really get myself to leave completely.  "What for?  To switch to yet another 'dead-end' job doing work that I don't care about while I wait for whatever is going to happen next?  While I'm 'waiting for my life to start?' "  So, I kept going to work, deadening my mind by staring vacantly into the security monitors and destroying the good work ethic I had built back home (in AZ) by refusing to work.  If my boss asked me to, I would.  But I wouldn't get up and do it myself.  I just didn't care anymore.  What finally broke the stalemate?  Yoga Teacher Training. 

No.  Scratch that.  The first break was them offering me a different position in the store (I worked for Saks Fifth Ave).  Human Resources Assistant.  Essentially, in a round about way, I turned it down.  It also became very clear to my higher ups (my immediate manager, HR director, and store manager) exactly how much I did not want to be there--in ANY capacity.  I no longer wanted to work in the world of security and I had absolutely no interest in the world of high end retail.  The company I worked for is a good one.  I think they treat their people very well.  Problem is the work that they do destroys people.  It's hard on their bodies because they have to stand all day long on marble floors with concrete beneath it, in a place with artificial light and dry, re-circulated air.  And, for lack of a better word, it's hard on their spirits.  #1 "spirit-killing" thing they have to work with: commission-based salary.  Having to compete with the people you work with for the money you need in order to survive tends to bring out the worst in people.  That being said, I think the ones that do manage to survive in that world and still be decent and caring human beings are truly remarkable people.  #2 "spirit-killing" thing: high-end retail.  $200 for a pair of jeans?  Really?!  You don't need that.  No one does.  High-end retail really is the epitome of a consumer driven world and I think it is truly unnecessary in the world.

Anyways, that's a rant going off in a different direction.  Any who, I made it very clear that I didn't want to support that world in any way.  The message from my boss started getting very clear: It's time to actually find something else instead of just complaining about how much you hate being here.  But I still couldn't get myself to even think about doing any of the jobs that I was seeing in advertisements.

This is when Yoga Teacher Training truly broke the stalemate.  All my higher-ups said the same thing: why aren't you teaching yoga?  My answer: because I don't want to.  But--this is all that I do.  When I'm not physically doing yoga, it's usually the thing that occupies my thoughts the most and tends to be the thing that I talk with people about the most.  So, I decided that it was finally time to explore what this all really means to me.  In Lynne's (owner of the yoga studio I work at) words, "if nothing else, doing a training will bring you some clarity."  And as I told her, it's not like I'm doing anything else.  So, I decided on a training and immediately knew that my boss wouldn't support it.  My yoga work-study schedule (2 days a week) was already too much of a strain on their schedule.  I asked anyways, but he confirmed it: nope.

So, that was my proverbial "leap."  I told him I was committing to doing the training and would be finding another job.  After only around 2 months of dedicated searching and a small handful of interviews, I found it.  Concierge at a condo complex.  Brand new position, so there are no expectations to live up to--which is kind of nice.  Pay is same/slightly more than what I was making at Saks.  Same benefits.  Boss seems really nice.  People I'm working with are nice---one is actually a yoga teacher!  And she surfs--which has been something I have wanted to do for a very long time.  It's pretty clear that this is where I'm supposed to be next.  At this point, the work is...minimal, at best.  Then again, it is only my 3rd day.  Yes, I'm writing a blog post from my work's computer...which is OK, because it's not monitored ;-)  (besides, they told me I could surf the Internet because there would be a lot of downtime...which there most definitely is at this point).

So: new job.  Check.  New roommates (who actually like each other and are staying at least until the end of the lease).  Check.  Really good yoga teacher training with a really good teacher.  Check (did I mention that it is FREE?).   Everything is set and a lot is going to be changing, life finally moving...somewhere.  Good, right?  I should be totally jazzed and super excited, right?

Then why aren't I?  Why is the only thing that I'm feeling is this weird kind of...I don't know, unsettled and weary and just generally feeling a lack of passion or excitement for...anything.  It kind of just feels like: I'm just here.  It's not content.  More like...sedated and resigned...

Hence, the return to this blog.  Again, I feel the need to talk/write about what is running through my mind, rather than just simply sit with it.  You hear that a lot in yoga: just sit with it.  I'm kind of tired of sitting with it.  That doesn't accomplish anything.  I don't understand it any better and it definitely doesn't go away.  One of my favorite and earliest yoga teachers, Cat Kabira, once said during a class that sometimes feelings come up during a yoga class and sometimes it's just something that needs to be released, but sometimes it comes with a story that needs to be told.  Right now, it feels like a lot of unsettled things floating around in my head that need to be heard and examined...or at least written down in some kind of concrete form.  But, once again, I don't really feel like sharing this kind of stuff so publicly, as in with the people I am closest to and whose opinions I value.  Might someone benefit from hearing about it?  Sure.  That's totally possible.  That's why it's on a "public" blog (that anyone could see, provided that they were either looking for it or knew about it).  But, there's still a big part of me that I keep very private--either from everyone or just from the people I am closest to.

I think that's what I need this blog to be for.  A place for me to talk openly and honestly about what is going on in my life and the things that are running through my mind, without my whole word hearing about it.  Once again, who knows how long I'll post on here.  It might be very sporadically or, maybe now that I have a whole hell of a lot of downtime on my hands and unsupervised access to a computer, it might be a lot ;-)  We'll see what happens this time.

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