Tomorrow is the first day of my very first yoga teacher training.
It's still kind of surreal. Especially when I think about everything that has happened since I started practicing: injuries, depression, surgery, new apartment, 5 new roommates, new job. A lot has happened during this past year and a half or so. And I have no idea what is going to happen next.
Correction--I have a ton of ideas. Because that's what I do when I get nervous. I try to imagine every possible outcome, so I can try to prepare myself for it. Helps a little, but mostly it just makes me more nervous. And, lately, it's kind of starting to annoy me. I don't want to know what's going to happen next or how this is going to turn out. I just want to take the training and just be there and have the experience--without my brain constantly trying to anticipate what might happen next and, in a sense, control what is happening. I don't want to control it, I just want to have the most real and authentic experience possible. No goals, no intentions other than to just simply be there 100% and just, for lack of a better phrase, "enjoy the ride." Probably one reason I kept avoiding doing a training for as long as I did. Within my first couple of months of practicing people were telling me that I should teach or that I was "going to be a teacher." At first it felt like a great compliment. But it started to feel like there was some kind of expectation put out there before I was ready for it or even wanted it, like I didn't get to just enjoy the yoga before people were trying to turn it into work. I just wanted to scream, "leave me alone! I just want to be a student and to practice. Let me have my experience without you telling me what it means or what I'm meant to do with it."
But, I know that this is the next step, wherever it leads. And today I definitely still feel nervous--especially about waking up on time to be at the studio at 6 tomorrow morning. I haven't been getting up that early since I had to pause my Mysore practice while my shoulder rested. I worry about messing up the things that I need to do for my work-study position for the training. It's not rocket science, but I'm still worried that I'm going to screw it up. I'm worried that it's been too long since I've been out of school and that I've had to really use my brain and that now I've lost the skills I had when I was a student, or that I've somehow gotten less intelligent. I'm also worried that the depression had a bigger effect on my ability to think clearly than I thought it did and that I won't be able to do my best work. I remember reading articles that long-term depressions can literally damage your brain (I can't remember the exact terms, or even where I read it) and I guess I'm worried that it has. Basically, I'm scared of being incompetent and un-intelligent.
However, I'm also starting to get more excited about the training too. I've noticed a definite upbeat tone to my voice whenever I talk about the training now, or get an email from one of the people from the training. I'm super excited about my Ashtanga teacher coming in to teach 2 sections of the training: subtle body & Ayurveda. Both of which she is extremely well-versed in and loves to talk about. I'm very excited about the entire 3-day weekend devoted to inversions (sweet!!!) as well as the one for arm balances and abdominals. I'm definitely excited about all the yoga. A little worried about how my shoulder will hold up, since it just started feeling better. But I'm ok with that too, it feels like the majority of my life has been about learning how to live with and take care injuries! I'm not excited about having to teach, but I'm doing my best not to think about it.
Overall, right now I feel this nice sort of steady feeling. Not confident. More like somewhere around just being ready. Ready to accept whatever will come next and ready to let go of anything that it becomes clear that I need to--even if it's my yoga practice (now that would be ironic). Big breath...here we go, let's do this.